Sorry Mr Blog, have been ignoring you for a long time, please forgive me..Sob sob..T.T ..have been too busy lately..thought I could really blog today, but in series mood now-" Moonlight Resonance" ( OK, I am SLOWW..but at least my "Gem Of Life " is up to date)..Just dropping by to put down several notices for own reference!! ^^

Muahaha..counting the days..10th Dec last day of exam..today I have my 2nd last paper at 3 pm..CAN"T WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS!!!

-After 5pm, have to confirm with cousin for dinner..(thinking of how to "kill"my cousin..hehe)

-Tonight, "Gem of Life" waiting for me..haha...can't wait to watch!

-6th Dec - 10th Dec..study for my last paper!! ( Of course with "Gem Of Life" in between..)

-10th Dec-CRAZY DAY!! (Don't have a fix plan yet)

-11th Dec- Red Box?? Got to confirm with dear

-12th Dec- Another happy day..but no plans yet..=.=!!!

- 13th Dec- BACK TO KUANTAN!!

* Subsequent schedule, will be updated when Jennifer is in blogging mood

# Oh yea, I was having dinner with Constance in my dream before I receive my morning call. David Yuen's fault. Anyway, due to my kindness, I forgave him! ( Oh my gosh, my crapping skill....=.=)

Sorry dear friends if you find my blog a waste of time...perhaps, this is the consequences of addiction to HK series, my "LAME-nest" and crapping skill "improved"..just feel like..writing even without a real topic to write..haha >.<

Going to continue my series then get ready for my paper..wish me luck!! =)

The feel~~

Oh my GOsH!! Exam is getting nearer..less than 3 weeks...panic panic..but why am I here, if I know I don't have much time, why would I blog now..haha..perhaps I have the intention, but there is no action to study =P NO no..just THE FEEL..the feel to blog..maybe I am starting to get some special powers as well, "THE FEEL" ( didn't know that I can crap like this...hopefully I won't get 'screwed up' by dear David >> panic-ing)

Actually I had headache since morning..felt better after nap, maybe the weather is too hot. ( Dear, dear..when are you bringing me to Canada? I want to be the next Tinkerbell next year..muahaha..I want snow..>> referring to Janice!)

Precisely, I dont have anything important to share on my blog. If anyone reading this blog is quite busy, perhaps you can close this window now..haha..(=.=!!) Recently, I am actually quite happy. After many things happened around me recently ( mentally, referring to things I have to think carefully) , perhaps this is the sign whereby I have already really open my heart . Maybe I am already a different person compared to last time, but then at least I think I have change to a better person in terms of view and knowledge. (Thanks to my dear! =D)Today, I just got to know about a new hormone>> Pheromone..It is a kind of hormone which attracts the opposite sex. It will give you the comfortable feeling or attraction to the person who has sprayed some of this hormone on his/ her body.It might lure you into telling personal things about yourself or into certain " extreme activities", mostly used in clubs and work place.When I got to know about it, I feel that the world is getting more and more dangerous nowadays..no one can really be trusted based on human characters and the worst, creation of these kind of "product" . If anyone wants to know more, perhaps you can google on it. ( I have not done my research yet, can't tell much for now..=P) By the way, this hormone can be found in certain perfumes. I have to keep one point in mind forever which is not to trust anyone easily! To my friends as well, don't trust stranger easily..as you will never know, what is in their mind. THE WORLD IS REALLY DANGEROUS! ( Is it still safe for "small kid"like me? Should I move to other planet? haha)

I think I have to stop here( mood of blogging suddenly dissappear because of my law..worrying now..oh no!) Before I end my blog, I want to leave a few messages for my friends.

To :
My dear David->
You better take care!!! Better don't get sick before exam, it will cause you a lot of trouble. Drink more water and rest well. NO excuses!! Study hard for coming exam!=D

My Dear dear Janice->
Wish you all the best in your new relationship. A new beginning for you. Hope that you will find your own happiness. Remember to take care too! All the best in your studies. =)

The cute cute Elaine->
How's life recently? Hope to chat with you more often. Don't work too hard. remember to take care. ^^ Miss you~~

The one I am thinking of this second, SHin YU!!-> How are you recently?? Miss you la..Long time didn't shop together. You must be enjoying your holidays right now. Take care. =P

That's all the messages..all readers..have a nice day! (Thanks for being patient while reading this blog! Haha--again..syok sendiri =.=!!)

Untitle...

Phew, such a tiring but happening day for me..class till about 3pm (supposely till 6.3opm), went to pyramid AGAIN and met up with my cousin. UNexpectedly, he brought his friends, his first question, " Where is your boyfriend? "..I was stunt..the main reason? I did not expect him to bring his gang along..of course it did not strike my mind to ask my bf along..gosh..there must be some miscommunication somewhere..anyway, clicked quite well with his friends, Darrel, Michael, Na reen( they address her as darling..haha)..all within 18 to 20 years old..including me. I had KFC for dinner. I am suppose to fast!! But then..haiz..sorry dear(referring to lovely "Bambi" =P)..I felt so bad..( Jen Jen..you cant be trusted! Gosh)

Reached home about 12 am..I actually enjoyed the whole night messaging. Who??? Haha..my mum..(missing her already ..=( )..My mum, she is so cute, especially those questions she asked me today..funny!! ) Other than my loving mum, of course my dear. I felt so bad..made him waited for me the whole night as he wanted to make sure I arrived home safe, how I wish I can give him a nice big hug..haha..

Actually, during my outing today, I saw 3 guys, all of them wearing the same T-shirt. My ex had the shirt as well. It actually reminded me of him. It was a white T shirt with red and yellow strips. I think red for the collar and some red on the sleeves. I have no idea how is he now, just hope that everything is fine for him. Anyway, past remain as past..I am happy with my present life. =) Learn from my past, and never repeat my mistakes( referring to my bad attitudes, dear David knows me best! =P) Precisely, I have to admit I am a stubborn girl, ego, perhaps with some pride as well..bad bad. So many things happened, within these few months. 360 degrees change for me, my life, my thoughts..a lot..In fact, I actually told myself that I won't blog again..as when I used to blog, it is mostly about sad happenings, about my deep thoughts where I do not have chance to tell them directly to someone, I wrote everything here. When I think again, why should I make my life so pathetic. Somehow, I realised, my life remain as my life...it's my life!!! Why restrict myself from blogging because of one person? Right? Again, I log in, start writing nonsense and crapping again..( Gosh, wonder what would my dear think if he reads my blog, I think it's like a 5 year old kid blogging to him, he can write really good articles, proud of him! Muahaha, unlike me =( . However, I enjoy myself writing in this way, sort of talking to myself..scary?? XD

It's getting late, so many things in my mind I wanted to share, but I dont have time to really write.. maybe one day..one day..when? No idea..=p . Seriously, I really need to thank David for what I am today, he has been guiding me a lot in my life. He made a lot of changes to my life, taught me about life..Life is definitely not easy, but I am blessed to have him. Since the beginning, I gave him a lot of problems, small and big, but not even once he complained..not even once!! He was always by my side when I have problems, giving me warmth, care, love..almost unconditional love..I feel his care for me, every second..how I feel my world is full of happiness and care..^^ Thanks dear! I wish, I can make him happy each day, sharing his burdens like how he shares mine. Every little things in relationship matters..to my friends out there, don't neglect those small little things. It plays an important role as it shows how much you care, how much u love. * love*

Hmm, I have to stop here, still have to study. Will come back later in few days time to update my life! =) Wonder how is Xin Yan doing nowadays..Shin Yu, Yee Lin...miss them..Wish them all the best! Hugs for them as well. :)

p/s: Thank you dear, you have been part of my life! I treasure you! XOXO(Still thinking whether should I tell you that I updated my blog..=P)

A new Jen..

It has been a long time since my last post in my blog..I am now ready for the second phase. A new phase of my life. It's not going to be easy..but I am determine to go through all obtacles! Whatever stoubborness in me, I am going to change. Taking away my pride and ego..a new me! ^^ Go go Jennifer!! I MUST DO IT! Will blog later when I have the time. Haha..

It's over.

Everything is over. Totally break up in the sense that I don't think we will be talking again for a very long period. I don't know whether I did the right thing but I just can't afford to take as if nothing happen, not to say I refuse to tolerate already, but I just cant take it. I felt so distracted from my studies. I can't read anything. I am very depressed. I know this is the time he needed most support from me, yet I am not understanding and chose to leave him.

What is left is only memories, even hatred from him, as I think he would most probably treat me as an enemy or whatsoever. Last few messages from him really hurt me deeply, but what he said was true, if really want to break up, is better we have no connection at all. Everything deleted from his mind, things from me will end up in the basket.

Haha..I asked for it, I get it, worst than what I ever thought. Not even friends, he chose it that way. NO matter how I wanted, at least we can be friends, that's my wish. Hopefully all unhappy things will end soon. I am tired of being sad..again and again..I know it's my own problem but I just cant help to stop myself from thinking. Anyhow, I promised myself, I will stand up again..I don't know what are my feelings now but I felt very weak, mentally and physically...my flu takes a part most probably...

I am thinking, maybe this will also be the last blog from me in this page, or perhaps not. Frankly speaking, this blog is created for him so that he has hint about how I really felt when things went wrong, to understand my feelings. As he won't be reading it again..it doesnt serve its main objective. If I can overcome my fear and blog here again, it will be a very a sign of me getting better, tougher, stronger.

Thanks Hong for giving me such a sweet memories, will stay in my mind for a long time...sincerely wish him all the best.

Is it the end? Perhaps..

Again, I received messages from unknown person, as if the history is going to repeat itself..about the same case, flirting with girls, hugging them ,go clubbing often...stuff like that, seriously,I am fed up of those messages..but they make me think, analyse, how far is it true..

You promised me, you will not repeat the same mistake..I remember what u said and kept that in mind. What I realise was, the more I care for you, love you, the further you are getting away from me. I hardly understand what's in your mind. Calls lesser, sms lesser.." I am afraid you and me will be sien one day, cause I think of future.." What does that suppose to mean, already getting bored of me? Seems so...and I even found out you told others u are bored of me..Anyway, I already felt so..felt that I am no more the girl you miss..

Seriously, I don't know what should I do, what should I trust, or who should I trust..not to say I don't want to trust you, I did trust you, but what you are doing now, makes me hard to trust you. I don't want to sob again because of the same problem, I find myself so stupid and silly..
I know you are facing problem, wanted to console you, but I just don't want to do it..cause what I did, I can't feel you appreciate, why not save my energy and do my stuff? Since you like what you are doing, go ahead, no one will stop you from clubbing, smoke, Dota..just do whatever you want. No one will stop you, no one will nag or complain you again. Just wish you will take care of yourself, you are a tough guy, will have bright future if you work hard, your future is in your hands, no one can change you, only you yourself. Hope you remember what I told you in sms, family will be the one who never betrays you. These will be my last piece of advice for you. All the best. Take care.

UNhappiness....

Since yesterday, I was not happy. As day passes, I seriously felt that there's something missing.
I understand that you are not in the mood to be in relationship, I am willing to give you your freedom.

If you ask me, I am not really happy of you going clubbing, going cybercafe too often. In my heart, I really mind, and how I wish you are not interested in those. In fact, I never thought that I would allow you to do so. I am happy to see you happy..but if I really think of it, I feel sad. I felt that I am doing things not in my favour just to please you. I wonder whether you realise. Actually, I am afraid that you might think I am a control queen, that's why I gave you lots of freedom, but recently I have been thinking whether I am doing the right thing. I felt as though the more freedom I give you, the more you are leaving me aside, the further you are from me.
The first thing I don't want to control it's because I respect your privacy, and I don't want you to hide any secrets from me. If I tend to set rules, you will be fed up, tend to lie. The main point is, I HATE LIES...

Time passed just like that, even we are couples, I sometimes doubt whether we still are now. You treat me more like a friend, maybe a close friend. Do you know how do I feel when you said, " how nice if you are a guy.." My mind was totally blank. Sometimes, I felt that it's unfair for me as I still really care about you, I make a it a point so take you can feel me loving you. Seriously, I felt that I am more like a vase for you as the time passed, maybe your favourite vase??

Today, I went out with my classmates to Sunway Pyramid to have lunch. Today is the 1st day I crapped that much in my life. What I said is either unreasonable or just nonsense..I don't normally say stuff like that. Somehow, it makes me feel happier, at least someone is listening and will laugh when I talked or joke. Even in msn, I crapped..me myself don't even understand what is the intention of me doing like that....perhaps just releasing my bad mood..I felt like telling you, but I don't know how should I tell you. You are enjoying your life, you are happy with your life style now. By the way, I am no one to forbid you, at least you won't be happy..The thing is, you already told me you are unable to give me what I want now. How long should I wait, that's the question..I am just waiting and have been waiting...Is it fair for me. Is the same as I am playing the game on my own which is so sad. Frankly speaking, I am doing my part to make you satisfy and happy, are you doing your part? I tolerate you well enough but did you tolerate me and understand my feeling as a girl?

Sweet..happy ^^

After 2 weeks of holidays, back to college again....finally can meet my dear lgc again..hehe. I came back on Saturday, it was lgc's sister's birthday, went out with his family for dinner at a Thai restaurant (2nd time there, nice food especially the tom yam!!). Haha, his brother in- law kept asking me to hide from him to make him panic to see me missing, but of course I didn't do that, only 2 weeks but miss him a lot lo..=), therefore rather see him happy than to see him panic..=P.

Enough for flash back, let's see what happened today. It was a super boring day for me..watched series almost the whole day, after that, chatting and for the 1st time, playing msn game, didn't even know that it exists till a friend, Chucky invited me to play online..haha..Talking about board games, thought of that rainy day, I was stucked at Station One with lgc, we had lunch around 3pm, because of the rain, we spent our waiting time playing board games..haha, reversi, checkers..that's what we played. I was playing with a friend online but thought of the time I played with my lgc .( unfair for my friend rite, =P)

Then, I received pictures from my lgc..haha, the very 1st pictures of us where I can at least keep somewhere..yes!! In my blog, I can't keep it in computer at the moment, where else, post online and keep it there, can see whenever I want, and my secret can be kept as well..muahaha..perhaps I am going to learn how to keep hidden files in computer..( evil huh?)
Hmm...guess I 'll stop here, a bored but happy day for me..^^

p/s : A big hug to my dear dear Xin Yan, hope you feel better by now..must take care. Support u always!

Am I important?

Am I important? I have been wondering for quite some time...Since I accepted you again, you promise will treat me better but did you? Maybe I am thinking too much..but I really feel that you are not doing much afford to maintain this relationship...I feel that I am following what you want and what you need..where are my needs?? I am lost sometimes..wonder whether am I doing the right thing..I need some feeling of secureness, feeling that you need me and really do care for me, but as time passed, I cant get that feel..I admit I admire my friends with boyfriend who will come them and spend time with them instead of me doing it almost all of the time, taking bus and taxi to and fro alone..I seemed brave but I do need a protection from a guy, a guy that is able to think of my safety and my needs... I don't need you to do that everytime but at least I wish that you will show me that you try..I am your girlfriend, am I not worth for you to do that? Or you rather me being kidnapped by a taxi driver at night someday and you will regret that time? I experienced being disturbed by taxi driver and I really dont wish to have the same experience for the second time...Do you know how much I wish that you will take care of me more that I do take care of you....

You actually did hurt me when you gave your excuses, and I felt even more that I am just a girl to you, nothing special about me anymore. You just need me to accompany you when you are bored, when you need someone to help you to do certain things, whenever I find you, it's so hard for me to even make you not fall asleep..you are always tired, or tired when you see me, I was left at a corner, either playing games, reading my own notes or watch you sleep....

I really dont want to be calculative over these small stuff, but it somehow portrays how much I am worth for you...think again......I just need someone for me to rely on, I don't know how much else can I do for you, or how can do more to please you, make you happy......I am just too tired, I really hope that I can be more selfish....but will I? I will if it continues till the day that I felt over exhausted, exhausted in the sense of doing things in one way communication, "bertepuk sebelah tangan tidak akan berbunyi"...thinking of why did you held me back since I am that not worth to you....I am alright in front of you but do you understand what I really want?? I have been giving in...I wish to get some response at least....put you in my shoes and think of how I felt all this while.

Xin Yan + Li Hui = Friendship forever =)

Finally, I have own time to blog...Yesterday was not a very happy day for me, were quite fine at the beginning but was bad at night..guess what, i accidentaly shouted at my room mate, she got a shock (This happens when you are emotionally stable) . Felt so sorry for her..I was too angry..

21 March 2008, a memorable day for me though, this is the first time I went out 2 by 2 with Xin Yan, my dear and we really spent the whole day together, from 7 ++ am till around 9 pm...This is what friends are for, accompanying each other when we need each other the most...=)

1st thing we did when we arrived at Sunway Pyramind..- EAT, EAT, EAT..We ate our breakfast + lunch in Waffle World...Didn't expect it to be that big portion, we ordered 4 types of waffle- Chocolate Ice- cream, Vanilla Ice- Cream, Hawaian Chicken and Ham ..stomach was overloaded...Xin Yan wasted a piece of waffle..ISH ISH..bad bad and wasteful girl..hehe, I finished mine of course..=P

After lunch we decided to go for karaoke( to release ' stress' )..RM 35++ !!!!We got a shock when it showed up on the screen half way of our "concert"..and the wasteful girl, she didnt order her food even though she paid for it..Anyway, we couldn't even finish the junkfood provided which cost us RM 8..haiz..

Given a big room and wireless microphone for both of us, we sang all the way from 1.30pm till about 6.30pm...hahaha..had a great time!!! Too bad, my voice sucks and it sounds like a malfunction radio..(crying too much, didnt sleep well and ate too much spicy food)..haha..Not to worry too much anyway, my partner in the "concert" , sang very well, hehe..but then, she laughed like a mad girl when my voice went out of tune while I was singing...maybe I should change my partner when I am holding a concert next time, fire this one..=)

Reach home around 9++ pm , was so tired..what happened next?? On the phone and ended up crying again...how I wish I am cold blooded or at least not so emotional..haiz..but what I want to say here is...I think is partially my fault because I was emotional, the weirdest part, I never did such thing before..(eg :shouted at my room mate and made her stunt, laughed then cried suddenly for no reason) There is an explanation for this, didn't really have a good sleep for few days...Therefore, there comes the mood swings but certain other "reasons" paid some part also.

Anyway, after the storm, now comes the rainbow...I think I rather stay with the rainbow rather than the storm, not sure for how long the rainbow will last..but hopefully..FOREVER..=)

P/s : Whatever happens, stand strong..Will be by your side my dear..Support any decision you make....=) I LOVE JANICE!! Hugs and kisses for you. Cheer..=o)

Heartbroken

Since I was back from My Place yesterday, I never felt better. My memory flashed back to my past with you, starting from we knew each other till now..my heart felt so painful, never been such painful, especially when I accidentaly thought of the bad memories...Any how, any bad memories would never be as bad as when I read your chat log. That's the worst time of my life, I really feel very bitter..I kept on wondering, whether both of you had done anything else behind me??? I wanted to stop that feeling, suspicious on you as I felt bad for suspecting the one I love for having affair with another girl. I should have read all your chat logs, only then I can decide whether to trust you or not. Anyway, I dont think it is possible as you might had deleted everything. The more you don't want me to know more, the more I felt like knowing...I duno whether you understand my feeling but it sucks..trust me, you will never want to get it.

Do you know, I suddenly felt that I have no heart to continue our journey anymore..Only the worst part is stuck in my brain now. I tried to be strong, tried to forget, I couldn't. Wanted to find you but I don't want to as I thought of your conversation with her once I thought of you. Even though I seemed fine yesterday before I came back, I am actually not, I was crying in my heart all the while..I cant afford to cry anymore as my eyes really hurt. When you said "muacks" in msn yesterday, it makes me wonder, is this a real one or it is just one which you send to other girls..as it is normal for you rite?? haha..I never did this in my life, I din even say " I miss you" to other guys..not to mention "muacks and I luv u" .I know, you said this after breaking up with me in March..but is just a short period after we break up. How can you do this to me??? If I am really in your heart, dont you feel disgusting when you say " i luv u" to other gals? U always think of me, I am also wondering, you never think of other girls before?

I made the word "muacks and I luv you" so special to you but you polluted everything...It is meant to be sweet but it make me so bitter. Seriously, I really felt that I am no one to you. I am just a stupid idiot caring for someone I care, in the end, found out that everything is just a joke.
A BIG JOKE!! I am a big idiot, I make you such a special person, but what do I get?? IF I am special to you, you wouldn't have done that...a break for us as you are afraid that you might hurt me is a LAME excuse..You yourself not even sure that I am really the one for you...Enough is enough...I am really tired..T.T

Lunch in BBQ PLaza =)

Lunch lunch..wonderful lunch...not because of the food but because of what happen during lunch..haha..You might be asking, is it sweet? No, not because it's sweet but because I enjoy teasing..=P..I miss those smile..sweet smile of you..not too sure whether you are very happy, but certain part of your smile make me feel warm. I do not have such feeling for a long time already, the feeling of pure love, simple love, just like when it was during the beginning of relationship Feb 14 2007.

Very sorry for not accepting to be with you again today. I have many reasons for that. You know most of that. I don't need you to sacrifice your time, sacrifice your money just to win my heart, what I need from you is the effort you put in your studies, the effort you put in to achieve your target, relationship is more than love, you might love me now, but no one can guarantee that it will last. To make it last, responsibility plays an important role, tolerance and maturity as well. There is an equation for that, "LOVE + CARE + RESPONSIBITY + RESPECT+TOLERANCE = EVERLASTING LOVE " Based on our age, don't you think we are far too young to make such commitments, we don't even have a certificate in our hands yet. I understand that not necessary relationship will make me fail my exam , but I choose only my studies as the moment as it will determine my future. Everyone has their own dreams, me as well. I do things one by one at a time. I don't want to take things more than I can handle. "PATIENCE LEADS TO SUCCESS" Get to know more of yourself and do what's best for you. Sometimes, waiting for true love is more meaningful than battling for someone you think you deserve to have or you want to have. Relationship is not a game, not necessary you will be the champion after you won the game. When there is competition, there is improvement and determination. If something is meant for you, you will have it. If it's not, even you have it for now, you might lose it without you even noticing it slipping out of your hands. Time will bring you your true love. I might be the one you love, might not be your true love. If I am your true love, treasure it and slowly nurture it till it grows and bloom. Rushing is not a good move as it reduces the quality...haha..I am talking like a professional..=p

What I am saying here is my opinion in this case, and I treasure the feeling of simple and pure love in my heart. I am not trying to waste your time or making fun of your love. I don't want you to make a decision without thinking of the consequences or out of your egoism. Climbing up the ladder step by step and only then you will the scenery on the roof top .

Thanks for the lunch. Sweet sweet day though. ^^

My place, my heart...~~

Today, I went back to My Place Apartment, the place which used to be my sweet home with sweet memories with friends, housemates over there...=) Miss it very much..
but then the main purpose was not to meet them, in fact, I met someone who I thought I was prepared face, to face it..was trying to solve it, at least make an end or watsoever...haiz..
Anyway, my determination fail..just because of my "useless" heart...I cry again..I felt dat crying has been my "hobby", hate to be like this cause it made me weak..mentally and physically..(sobbing make u tired rite?? )

The first thing I notice was the photos on the wall, then the dophin, pig, mouse and cat..all of them are still there, I thought they would be lying some where in the garbage disposal site already..and the environment, felt so comfortable, as it used to be my hangout place...Just out of sudden, something touched my heart, I can feel my eyes fill up with tears, I held on....

It had been a "confusing" day today as I do not know which step to move next, I ruined all my plans..All those hard work of avoiding and trying not too think equals zero now..evrything change just because of a small meeting up today. I realised dat he is still important, as I cried like someone mad, or brainless..IShhhh...no image already..not the first time anyway..

Look at the bright side now, I received a present...It was super expensive, heartache cause money just wasted like that.. I know you want to show your sincerity but it made me feel bad even more..Million thanks to the particular person, and the gift from Korea..such a wonderful present =)

Overall it has been a happy day as I 've finally met up with the person I wanted to meet so much since Nov last year..almost half a year..maybe everything is still the same but then the joy in my heart makes me smile truthfully..at least for that moment..Even though I felt quite sad, just because of some "unexpected" truth...I am contented already..Honestly not to think bout the "unexpected one" is still hard for me...I am just too easily affected..by such thing..sensitive..
I know it's a small matter maybe not even a matter now but I still feel some thorns in my heart...time heals..~~

sad + some happiness = still tired..y??

Hmm..it has been a long day today...so many things happened and I got to know them today..
haiz..Xin Yan my dear, know you are unhappy, give both of you some time lo..*hugs hugs*
In my opinion, appreciate, but then still up to you to decide, support u!! :)

A gloomy day for me today, not too happy, I am worried ..maybe I cant change the situation but hopefully everyone in the situation are able to cope with those unhappy moments..Stand strong!!
By the way, I knew something happy today, maybe none of my business but I was really happy, happy for a friend. Anyway, still owe me something, due to interest rate, increase to 3 instead of 1..or else..hahahaha...decide later..anyhow, still a long way to go( ya, dis row meant for you to read- H) Oh ya, today right, someone called me just to "scold" me le..not happy..hmmph!!! Remember forever...:P

hmm...tomorrow no class, but still have to study..haiz...that's life..GO GO GO ..full speed ahead!

Tell me why??

Hmm..I am back from Kuantan after few days holiday there haha..
Basically is because of my "empty" time table for last week...but later on will be like ...haiz..
Yeah! Just read my dear's blog..Hooray! Xin Yan back to Malaysia dy..happy ..:)
can meet her soon!! :)

Just now went out for "KL tour" (in the car) with 1 of my INTI's frens..heard something which I think I rather not know bout it..
Actually just some negative comments bout someone..not sure whether is true, but hopefully is not true..:( Well, frankly speaking, the rumours and negative stuff have been spreading and spreading..I think I am used to it..but then I just pray and pray in my heart that all these are false, because I trust and care...ya, I still care..but why? Haiz...maybe I need time to heal...not to say severely injured but then..it hurts, in short, I still care. Maybe not all are true but somehow it affects me cause when somebody say bad stuff bout someone you care, I think you will feel the pain rite? I have been thinking, what if someone say negative stuff bout me?? I think I will be really sad. I try to be my best, by being the "good one" but sometimes which is good and bad, I am also confused especially when it involves too many "politics" and " frienship" ..hard choice to make when you are forced to stand at one's side. I actually have so many doubts in my mind since long time ago..How far can a person appreciate you? How long can you love and to be loved? When someone treats you well, he/she has motives?? Life is about surviving?? Why not about caring?? Is it so hard to care about friends, family member or maybe those stray cats?? ( I love cats..haha)..

haiz...haiz....just..haiz...

Special? Weird or Unique?

Today I followed someone to a church, at first I thought it will be like normal church, praising and worship but NO!! It's so differerent. First time in my life, been to a church, with member age between 20 to early 30s..most of the girls there are models, so in other words, many pretty girls!

Basically, it does not look like a church to me, cause no 'Cross-+' there, and those who were there were wearing formal dresses and shirt for guys. so it's different it's like a gathering place for young people rather than a church..Other than that, part of the speech were in Cantonese, some songs and words in bible I think, in korean.

I was told that the founder of this church is a Korean..hmm wondering which church is the "correct" one, means with correct theory..anyway, is a very good experience as I get to know something new, it really "open my eyes"!


p/s: TO my dear/ Xin Yan/ Golden chimp/ Silver chimp/ Bronze chimp/ Chromosome or watever as long as is my dear who reads this, thanks for your comment! Hugs and muacks!!
Hahaha..dont wry, only 2 have excess to my blog so not many will know ur nick..haha..miss u!Shall meet u in MSN! :)

Dull....

Hmm...I have been in Sunway University College for a week already..so far so good, life here is simple (I don't get to go out late and night..due to rules)..haha, in other words I have to be obedient, no late nights at mamak stall like I used to.

Yesterday went to Sunway Pyramid almost whole day with Yee Lin, havent seen her for quite some time, pretty already!!! I bought 2 blouse with, both cost LESS THAN RM 20..that's cheap !

Since yesterday went out, haiz..today have to study extra harder, I started studying from morning till now, so many things in my brain..now stuck..trying to understand high/low method with stepped fixed cost..hmm,wondering what to have for dinner, lazy to step out of my room ..:P..that's it for this time...continue my studies...;)

Yesterday and today

Haha..today is my first day of class, luckily I am able to find my way to Lecture Theater 2..confusing though. On the very first day, the lecturer was late for an hour. Hmm..heard that he is not a very responsible lecturer but then he has a very good sense of humour.

Ok, now flash back to what happen yesterday. I went to My Place Apartment. Haha..Shalini cooked me a wonderful lunch. Yummy yummy, but I actually paid RM 7 for that due to the taxi fare to get to SS 15..so expensive. Anyway, once in a blue moon and I get to meet up with my caring housemates not too bad la, but still a big hole in my pocket.

While I was happy gigling with them, I received a call from Hong..I was happy to receive his call, well, it happens all the time. But then, he was not happy because of incident related to assignment, immediately my heart sank, I somehow felt his unhappiness too..wish that I can comfort him or give him a hug to make him feel better. The fact is I am no more his "special" friend...have to face the reality, I cant be living in my past too. ..:( Any how, I just wish that everything is fine for him. He is a tough guy, I think he can face it whatever happens...support him if what he is doing is right!!:o)

Oh ya, today I went to the library, wow..it's big but not as beautiful as INTI's new library..too bad. The library and the lecture theaters are very cold, I think I should get myself some new long sleeve shirt..hahaha..(excuse to buy new clothes).

Overall, first day of class is not too bad la..get to know a few friends..Adelyn, Chan Joo, Stephanie, Sheng Sian..Thanks for having lunch with me..:o)..I think I am the "noisiest" among them, must zip my mouth next time..hehe..looking forward to tomorrow's class.....

Coward??

It has been months since I am back to my hometown, I am going backk to college very soon. With just a blink of an eye, my life change. It would never be the same. I felt dat I 've lost someone whom I care so much, love so much, the very first person that give me this feeling.

Thinking for quite sometime, am I a coward? I seem to be running away from problems..being a very good actress as well. Wearing mask whenever I go with the happy smiling face, sunshine bright smile with sparkling teeth. It's just a MASK! Deep within me, I am very sad, my heart is painful, full of scars, old and new. How I wish I can just heal it immediately. Who should I blame? NO one...as I hurt myself, due to my stubborness, selfishness..

I think everyone will be asking, why not be myself. Why I act as if I can accept evrything and be happy when I am not. There's only one explanation, I dont want to hurt anyone anymore, not my family, not my friends, not the people I care. I know, I am stupid as no one will appreciate that but then I felt slightly better, at least not feeling guilty. i just dont want to live a life full of guiltiness and being named as "a bad girl".

After a year, I finally decided to do so, it has been a month now, but then I cant even forget even 1 % of those memories. Everyday I am haunted by my past, those happy and sad memories.
Thought of how sweet were life, how we have undergone obtacles together, how we have done things together; how did he care for me and stood by my side. I am always thinking, why must I face this problem, why ME?? Why cant I be like others, free to express their thoughts and feelings, free to show their real self..Maybe I am too weak, unable to accept slight failure, therefore, thinking that "not to think" will be the best solution..hahaha, it's wrong! The worst part of my life when I try hard not to think as I think of it almost every single minute. I regretted for what I said, but do I have any other chance? No, because I might hurt more than 2 parties if i drag this for a longer period. I tried to hide my feelings, but it's exploding, he is right, is not that easy to forget and let go of everything, I am the childish one. Do I have any chance now? Dont think so, as I am not able to be myself yet. Feel like going near him, but so near yet so far, I am just not able to reach him, because I gave up half way...

Things seem fine now, like a calm sea..but I know, deep within my heart, the place for him is still there, it will be there, till the day he find his happiness..