Coward??

It has been months since I am back to my hometown, I am going backk to college very soon. With just a blink of an eye, my life change. It would never be the same. I felt dat I 've lost someone whom I care so much, love so much, the very first person that give me this feeling.

Thinking for quite sometime, am I a coward? I seem to be running away from problems..being a very good actress as well. Wearing mask whenever I go with the happy smiling face, sunshine bright smile with sparkling teeth. It's just a MASK! Deep within me, I am very sad, my heart is painful, full of scars, old and new. How I wish I can just heal it immediately. Who should I blame? NO one...as I hurt myself, due to my stubborness, selfishness..

I think everyone will be asking, why not be myself. Why I act as if I can accept evrything and be happy when I am not. There's only one explanation, I dont want to hurt anyone anymore, not my family, not my friends, not the people I care. I know, I am stupid as no one will appreciate that but then I felt slightly better, at least not feeling guilty. i just dont want to live a life full of guiltiness and being named as "a bad girl".

After a year, I finally decided to do so, it has been a month now, but then I cant even forget even 1 % of those memories. Everyday I am haunted by my past, those happy and sad memories.
Thought of how sweet were life, how we have undergone obtacles together, how we have done things together; how did he care for me and stood by my side. I am always thinking, why must I face this problem, why ME?? Why cant I be like others, free to express their thoughts and feelings, free to show their real self..Maybe I am too weak, unable to accept slight failure, therefore, thinking that "not to think" will be the best solution..hahaha, it's wrong! The worst part of my life when I try hard not to think as I think of it almost every single minute. I regretted for what I said, but do I have any other chance? No, because I might hurt more than 2 parties if i drag this for a longer period. I tried to hide my feelings, but it's exploding, he is right, is not that easy to forget and let go of everything, I am the childish one. Do I have any chance now? Dont think so, as I am not able to be myself yet. Feel like going near him, but so near yet so far, I am just not able to reach him, because I gave up half way...

Things seem fine now, like a calm sea..but I know, deep within my heart, the place for him is still there, it will be there, till the day he find his happiness..