Unhappiness..

Life is getting terrible for me nowadays, in fact I felt that the one who will actually understand me did not really understand me. Am I someone who is actually not being grateful for what I have? Am I really someone who actually run for my dreams and neglect those around me. I have to admit I have negleted some of them, but not all. I hate the feeling where I am the cause of everything. Am I really the cause for making the other party lonely? It seems so...

I am not trying to compare my life to the others and I can consider myself of having a complete life. Having my family, friends and a caring boyfriend, I am far more happier than anyone else. Seriously, I don't mind living for others, to fulfill what they want and wish I will be. I don't really mind at the first place as long as I know that they are happy. But nowadays, I find it really hard for me to do so anymore. Sometimes, when you do something sincerely for the others, they did not appreciate you at all. I have now decided that I need my life and do what I want with it. It may be taking a long nap in an afternoon rather than going out with friends. If they want to say that I abondoned them for my boyfriend, let them be. I can't please anyone on earth as I have my own missions and my own hobby.

Since this semester starts, my life have been very busy. I cant even find time to spend with my friends, ex- housemates, room mates. Most of the time when I reach home after class I am tired and sleepy. In fact, I have not really chatted with friends online since this semester. My life is about studying right now. It is not totally no life as I get some time out when I go to church, praise and worship, chit chat with my dear or when I am having my meal to watch some series downloaded. It have been a long time since we last go dating, I have to admit that..not that I ma putting you aside or taken you for granted. I did not but I really need to study sometimes. Is not that I have not open my heart, but other than making you happy alone, I have to make sure I get my duties right as a daughter, student at the 1st place. being warned a few times after getting not a very good result, I am really afraid, but who knows other than God? He is the one who will know when I am crying alone, not even my room mate realises what I am feeling.

I just want a simple life which is to do well in my studies and then to do what I want. I don't really have opportunities yet to do what I want, cash is limited, studies supported by parents, they have their expectations on me too. It is not that I refuse to go dating with you. If you really look at the whole picture, I cant exactly remember the last time I went out with friends. Being exhausted, I prefer to be alone in my room, rest and gathering enough energy to begin my whatsoever revision or perhaps to sit alone with my laptop. Is is too much for me to ask for some private time? What more can I ask for then? My private time alone is being viewed as taking the other partner for granted. It is so sad after reading your blog that in fact I wished that I have never read them, It just killed my mood for studying and even eating even though I know that I am somehow in need of food. Drown yourself in studies? You have your obligation to do well in your studies and not to drunk yourself with them..You do know the consequences of not ding well. If I get 80 marks in my test and I ask for 90 marks, perhaps I am greedy but I did, I just wish to raise my marks above 70 for a comnfortable 1st class so that I do not have to work really hard for my OBU degree because even a C in the degree will give me an overall 1st class if I do well in my papers with average of 68 to 70. I am just planning ahead as I dislike writing and doing research and I do not want to waste much time on it. Therefore, I choose to do what I am comfortable with which is to score in exam. Everyone have their own expectations for themselves. I do have but I consider my expectation or target as achievable. Neither am I too obsessive with studies as I do reward myself with good food and some time off without books.
I am sorry if I made you feel lonely. At the end of the day, I know what I can do and what I cant do. The fact is, I need to work extra hard compared to others to get the same result. This has been the case all these while. I do believe in God. If not for him, I dont think I will be able to smile and crap with my friends. There are lots of stuff which I cant express, I can only feel it. I wont blame you if you cant understand me. I know you are suffering, you are sad. I am sad when I know you are sad..really am. Maybe I am being unreasonable in your eyes....that hurts me the most. If you still think that I am taking you for granted, I have no more to say. I refuse to say anything as well...tired of explaining. Not being fully recovered mentally and spiritually, another issue cuts my heart. Haha....what a life. If you really do know me, you know I am someone random which I may do something out of your expectations during unexpected time. This shows that you do not really understand me in a way as well. I have my way to spice up a relationship, perhaps you are just not patient enough or not able to take it. I love to give surprises but maybe you are just not willing to wait for the moment and gets mad at me before it comes. My mood swings, you don't totally understand the way for me to release it as well. Seriously, I am just too sad.. sometimes, you are like someone else, Jennifer = STUDY FREAK!!! Am I one? I am just determine, but I am NOT a STUDY FREAK! I want to experience life like anyone does but I do need an appropriate time for everything. What you seem true maynot be true, time will come when it is right. Random events, unplanned, impromtu happenings, surprises is how I make my life interesting. Talking about non-studies items I do not what to make it an stress item, therefore no planning, but somehow, misunderstandings just happen before you are able to do what is in your mind.

So far, I have not feel bored with my relationship nor I have ever experienced it before. Never judge me using example of the other's and assume that I will make the same statement. Being different is what I am sometimes. If I am harsh in this post, I apolpgize. Desperate to find a way to release what I am feeling and I guess this is the best method.