Everything is over. Totally break up in the sense that I don't think we will be talking again for a very long period. I don't know whether I did the right thing but I just can't afford to take as if nothing happen, not to say I refuse to tolerate already, but I just cant take it. I felt so distracted from my studies. I can't read anything. I am very depressed. I know this is the time he needed most support from me, yet I am not understanding and chose to leave him.
What is left is only memories, even hatred from him, as I think he would most probably treat me as an enemy or whatsoever. Last few messages from him really hurt me deeply, but what he said was true, if really want to break up, is better we have no connection at all. Everything deleted from his mind, things from me will end up in the basket.
Haha..I asked for it, I get it, worst than what I ever thought. Not even friends, he chose it that way. NO matter how I wanted, at least we can be friends, that's my wish. Hopefully all unhappy things will end soon. I am tired of being sad..again and again..I know it's my own problem but I just cant help to stop myself from thinking. Anyhow, I promised myself, I will stand up again..I don't know what are my feelings now but I felt very weak, mentally and physically...my flu takes a part most probably...
I am thinking, maybe this will also be the last blog from me in this page, or perhaps not. Frankly speaking, this blog is created for him so that he has hint about how I really felt when things went wrong, to understand my feelings. As he won't be reading it again..it doesnt serve its main objective. If I can overcome my fear and blog here again, it will be a very a sign of me getting better, tougher, stronger.
Thanks Hong for giving me such a sweet memories, will stay in my mind for a long time...sincerely wish him all the best.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Is it the end? Perhaps..
Again, I received messages from unknown person, as if the history is going to repeat itself..about the same case, flirting with girls, hugging them ,go clubbing often...stuff like that, seriously,I am fed up of those messages..but they make me think, analyse, how far is it true..
You promised me, you will not repeat the same mistake..I remember what u said and kept that in mind. What I realise was, the more I care for you, love you, the further you are getting away from me. I hardly understand what's in your mind. Calls lesser, sms lesser.." I am afraid you and me will be sien one day, cause I think of future.." What does that suppose to mean, already getting bored of me? Seems so...and I even found out you told others u are bored of me..Anyway, I already felt so..felt that I am no more the girl you miss..
Seriously, I don't know what should I do, what should I trust, or who should I trust..not to say I don't want to trust you, I did trust you, but what you are doing now, makes me hard to trust you. I don't want to sob again because of the same problem, I find myself so stupid and silly..
I know you are facing problem, wanted to console you, but I just don't want to do it..cause what I did, I can't feel you appreciate, why not save my energy and do my stuff? Since you like what you are doing, go ahead, no one will stop you from clubbing, smoke, Dota..just do whatever you want. No one will stop you, no one will nag or complain you again. Just wish you will take care of yourself, you are a tough guy, will have bright future if you work hard, your future is in your hands, no one can change you, only you yourself. Hope you remember what I told you in sms, family will be the one who never betrays you. These will be my last piece of advice for you. All the best. Take care.
You promised me, you will not repeat the same mistake..I remember what u said and kept that in mind. What I realise was, the more I care for you, love you, the further you are getting away from me. I hardly understand what's in your mind. Calls lesser, sms lesser.." I am afraid you and me will be sien one day, cause I think of future.." What does that suppose to mean, already getting bored of me? Seems so...and I even found out you told others u are bored of me..Anyway, I already felt so..felt that I am no more the girl you miss..
Seriously, I don't know what should I do, what should I trust, or who should I trust..not to say I don't want to trust you, I did trust you, but what you are doing now, makes me hard to trust you. I don't want to sob again because of the same problem, I find myself so stupid and silly..
I know you are facing problem, wanted to console you, but I just don't want to do it..cause what I did, I can't feel you appreciate, why not save my energy and do my stuff? Since you like what you are doing, go ahead, no one will stop you from clubbing, smoke, Dota..just do whatever you want. No one will stop you, no one will nag or complain you again. Just wish you will take care of yourself, you are a tough guy, will have bright future if you work hard, your future is in your hands, no one can change you, only you yourself. Hope you remember what I told you in sms, family will be the one who never betrays you. These will be my last piece of advice for you. All the best. Take care.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
UNhappiness....
Since yesterday, I was not happy. As day passes, I seriously felt that there's something missing.
I understand that you are not in the mood to be in relationship, I am willing to give you your freedom.
If you ask me, I am not really happy of you going clubbing, going cybercafe too often. In my heart, I really mind, and how I wish you are not interested in those. In fact, I never thought that I would allow you to do so. I am happy to see you happy..but if I really think of it, I feel sad. I felt that I am doing things not in my favour just to please you. I wonder whether you realise. Actually, I am afraid that you might think I am a control queen, that's why I gave you lots of freedom, but recently I have been thinking whether I am doing the right thing. I felt as though the more freedom I give you, the more you are leaving me aside, the further you are from me.
The first thing I don't want to control it's because I respect your privacy, and I don't want you to hide any secrets from me. If I tend to set rules, you will be fed up, tend to lie. The main point is, I HATE LIES...
Time passed just like that, even we are couples, I sometimes doubt whether we still are now. You treat me more like a friend, maybe a close friend. Do you know how do I feel when you said, " how nice if you are a guy.." My mind was totally blank. Sometimes, I felt that it's unfair for me as I still really care about you, I make a it a point so take you can feel me loving you. Seriously, I felt that I am more like a vase for you as the time passed, maybe your favourite vase??
Today, I went out with my classmates to Sunway Pyramid to have lunch. Today is the 1st day I crapped that much in my life. What I said is either unreasonable or just nonsense..I don't normally say stuff like that. Somehow, it makes me feel happier, at least someone is listening and will laugh when I talked or joke. Even in msn, I crapped..me myself don't even understand what is the intention of me doing like that....perhaps just releasing my bad mood..I felt like telling you, but I don't know how should I tell you. You are enjoying your life, you are happy with your life style now. By the way, I am no one to forbid you, at least you won't be happy..The thing is, you already told me you are unable to give me what I want now. How long should I wait, that's the question..I am just waiting and have been waiting...Is it fair for me. Is the same as I am playing the game on my own which is so sad. Frankly speaking, I am doing my part to make you satisfy and happy, are you doing your part? I tolerate you well enough but did you tolerate me and understand my feeling as a girl?
I understand that you are not in the mood to be in relationship, I am willing to give you your freedom.
If you ask me, I am not really happy of you going clubbing, going cybercafe too often. In my heart, I really mind, and how I wish you are not interested in those. In fact, I never thought that I would allow you to do so. I am happy to see you happy..but if I really think of it, I feel sad. I felt that I am doing things not in my favour just to please you. I wonder whether you realise. Actually, I am afraid that you might think I am a control queen, that's why I gave you lots of freedom, but recently I have been thinking whether I am doing the right thing. I felt as though the more freedom I give you, the more you are leaving me aside, the further you are from me.
The first thing I don't want to control it's because I respect your privacy, and I don't want you to hide any secrets from me. If I tend to set rules, you will be fed up, tend to lie. The main point is, I HATE LIES...
Time passed just like that, even we are couples, I sometimes doubt whether we still are now. You treat me more like a friend, maybe a close friend. Do you know how do I feel when you said, " how nice if you are a guy.." My mind was totally blank. Sometimes, I felt that it's unfair for me as I still really care about you, I make a it a point so take you can feel me loving you. Seriously, I felt that I am more like a vase for you as the time passed, maybe your favourite vase??
Today, I went out with my classmates to Sunway Pyramid to have lunch. Today is the 1st day I crapped that much in my life. What I said is either unreasonable or just nonsense..I don't normally say stuff like that. Somehow, it makes me feel happier, at least someone is listening and will laugh when I talked or joke. Even in msn, I crapped..me myself don't even understand what is the intention of me doing like that....perhaps just releasing my bad mood..I felt like telling you, but I don't know how should I tell you. You are enjoying your life, you are happy with your life style now. By the way, I am no one to forbid you, at least you won't be happy..The thing is, you already told me you are unable to give me what I want now. How long should I wait, that's the question..I am just waiting and have been waiting...Is it fair for me. Is the same as I am playing the game on my own which is so sad. Frankly speaking, I am doing my part to make you satisfy and happy, are you doing your part? I tolerate you well enough but did you tolerate me and understand my feeling as a girl?
Monday, June 30, 2008
Sweet..happy ^^
After 2 weeks of holidays, back to college again....finally can meet my dear lgc again..hehe. I came back on Saturday, it was lgc's sister's birthday, went out with his family for dinner at a Thai restaurant (2nd time there, nice food especially the tom yam!!). Haha, his brother in- law kept asking me to hide from him to make him panic to see me missing, but of course I didn't do that, only 2 weeks but miss him a lot lo..=), therefore rather see him happy than to see him panic..=P.
Enough for flash back, let's see what happened today. It was a super boring day for me..watched series almost the whole day, after that, chatting and for the 1st time, playing msn game, didn't even know that it exists till a friend, Chucky invited me to play online..haha..Talking about board games, thought of that rainy day, I was stucked at Station One with lgc, we had lunch around 3pm, because of the rain, we spent our waiting time playing board games..haha, reversi, checkers..that's what we played. I was playing with a friend online but thought of the time I played with my lgc .( unfair for my friend rite, =P)
Then, I received pictures from my lgc..haha, the very 1st pictures of us where I can at least keep somewhere..yes!! In my blog, I can't keep it in computer at the moment, where else, post online and keep it there, can see whenever I want, and my secret can be kept as well..muahaha..perhaps I am going to learn how to keep hidden files in computer..( evil huh?)
Hmm...guess I 'll stop here, a bored but happy day for me..^^
p/s : A big hug to my dear dear Xin Yan, hope you feel better by now..must take care. Support u always!
Enough for flash back, let's see what happened today. It was a super boring day for me..watched series almost the whole day, after that, chatting and for the 1st time, playing msn game, didn't even know that it exists till a friend, Chucky invited me to play online..haha..Talking about board games, thought of that rainy day, I was stucked at Station One with lgc, we had lunch around 3pm, because of the rain, we spent our waiting time playing board games..haha, reversi, checkers..that's what we played. I was playing with a friend online but thought of the time I played with my lgc .( unfair for my friend rite, =P)
Then, I received pictures from my lgc..haha, the very 1st pictures of us where I can at least keep somewhere..yes!! In my blog, I can't keep it in computer at the moment, where else, post online and keep it there, can see whenever I want, and my secret can be kept as well..muahaha..perhaps I am going to learn how to keep hidden files in computer..( evil huh?)
Hmm...guess I 'll stop here, a bored but happy day for me..^^
p/s : A big hug to my dear dear Xin Yan, hope you feel better by now..must take care. Support u always!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Am I important?
Am I important? I have been wondering for quite some time...Since I accepted you again, you promise will treat me better but did you? Maybe I am thinking too much..but I really feel that you are not doing much afford to maintain this relationship...I feel that I am following what you want and what you need..where are my needs?? I am lost sometimes..wonder whether am I doing the right thing..I need some feeling of secureness, feeling that you need me and really do care for me, but as time passed, I cant get that feel..I admit I admire my friends with boyfriend who will come them and spend time with them instead of me doing it almost all of the time, taking bus and taxi to and fro alone..I seemed brave but I do need a protection from a guy, a guy that is able to think of my safety and my needs... I don't need you to do that everytime but at least I wish that you will show me that you try..I am your girlfriend, am I not worth for you to do that? Or you rather me being kidnapped by a taxi driver at night someday and you will regret that time? I experienced being disturbed by taxi driver and I really dont wish to have the same experience for the second time...Do you know how much I wish that you will take care of me more that I do take care of you....
You actually did hurt me when you gave your excuses, and I felt even more that I am just a girl to you, nothing special about me anymore. You just need me to accompany you when you are bored, when you need someone to help you to do certain things, whenever I find you, it's so hard for me to even make you not fall asleep..you are always tired, or tired when you see me, I was left at a corner, either playing games, reading my own notes or watch you sleep....
I really dont want to be calculative over these small stuff, but it somehow portrays how much I am worth for you...think again......I just need someone for me to rely on, I don't know how much else can I do for you, or how can do more to please you, make you happy......I am just too tired, I really hope that I can be more selfish....but will I? I will if it continues till the day that I felt over exhausted, exhausted in the sense of doing things in one way communication, "bertepuk sebelah tangan tidak akan berbunyi"...thinking of why did you held me back since I am that not worth to you....I am alright in front of you but do you understand what I really want?? I have been giving in...I wish to get some response at least....put you in my shoes and think of how I felt all this while.
You actually did hurt me when you gave your excuses, and I felt even more that I am just a girl to you, nothing special about me anymore. You just need me to accompany you when you are bored, when you need someone to help you to do certain things, whenever I find you, it's so hard for me to even make you not fall asleep..you are always tired, or tired when you see me, I was left at a corner, either playing games, reading my own notes or watch you sleep....
I really dont want to be calculative over these small stuff, but it somehow portrays how much I am worth for you...think again......I just need someone for me to rely on, I don't know how much else can I do for you, or how can do more to please you, make you happy......I am just too tired, I really hope that I can be more selfish....but will I? I will if it continues till the day that I felt over exhausted, exhausted in the sense of doing things in one way communication, "bertepuk sebelah tangan tidak akan berbunyi"...thinking of why did you held me back since I am that not worth to you....I am alright in front of you but do you understand what I really want?? I have been giving in...I wish to get some response at least....put you in my shoes and think of how I felt all this while.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Xin Yan + Li Hui = Friendship forever =)
Finally, I have own time to blog...Yesterday was not a very happy day for me, were quite fine at the beginning but was bad at night..guess what, i accidentaly shouted at my room mate, she got a shock (This happens when you are emotionally stable) . Felt so sorry for her..I was too angry..
21 March 2008, a memorable day for me though, this is the first time I went out 2 by 2 with Xin Yan, my dear and we really spent the whole day together, from 7 ++ am till around 9 pm...This is what friends are for, accompanying each other when we need each other the most...=)
1st thing we did when we arrived at Sunway Pyramind..- EAT, EAT, EAT..We ate our breakfast + lunch in Waffle World...Didn't expect it to be that big portion, we ordered 4 types of waffle- Chocolate Ice- cream, Vanilla Ice- Cream, Hawaian Chicken and Ham ..stomach was overloaded...Xin Yan wasted a piece of waffle..ISH ISH..bad bad and wasteful girl..hehe, I finished mine of course..=P
After lunch we decided to go for karaoke( to release ' stress' )..RM 35++ !!!!We got a shock when it showed up on the screen half way of our "concert"..and the wasteful girl, she didnt order her food even though she paid for it..Anyway, we couldn't even finish the junkfood provided which cost us RM 8..haiz..
Given a big room and wireless microphone for both of us, we sang all the way from 1.30pm till about 6.30pm...hahaha..had a great time!!! Too bad, my voice sucks and it sounds like a malfunction radio..(crying too much, didnt sleep well and ate too much spicy food)..haha..Not to worry too much anyway, my partner in the "concert" , sang very well, hehe..but then, she laughed like a mad girl when my voice went out of tune while I was singing...maybe I should change my partner when I am holding a concert next time, fire this one..=)
Reach home around 9++ pm , was so tired..what happened next?? On the phone and ended up crying again...how I wish I am cold blooded or at least not so emotional..haiz..but what I want to say here is...I think is partially my fault because I was emotional, the weirdest part, I never did such thing before..(eg :shouted at my room mate and made her stunt, laughed then cried suddenly for no reason) There is an explanation for this, didn't really have a good sleep for few days...Therefore, there comes the mood swings but certain other "reasons" paid some part also.
Anyway, after the storm, now comes the rainbow...I think I rather stay with the rainbow rather than the storm, not sure for how long the rainbow will last..but hopefully..FOREVER..=)
P/s : Whatever happens, stand strong..Will be by your side my dear..Support any decision you make....=) I LOVE JANICE!! Hugs and kisses for you. Cheer..=o)
21 March 2008, a memorable day for me though, this is the first time I went out 2 by 2 with Xin Yan, my dear and we really spent the whole day together, from 7 ++ am till around 9 pm...This is what friends are for, accompanying each other when we need each other the most...=)
1st thing we did when we arrived at Sunway Pyramind..- EAT, EAT, EAT..We ate our breakfast + lunch in Waffle World...Didn't expect it to be that big portion, we ordered 4 types of waffle- Chocolate Ice- cream, Vanilla Ice- Cream, Hawaian Chicken and Ham ..stomach was overloaded...Xin Yan wasted a piece of waffle..ISH ISH..bad bad and wasteful girl..hehe, I finished mine of course..=P
After lunch we decided to go for karaoke( to release ' stress' )..RM 35++ !!!!We got a shock when it showed up on the screen half way of our "concert"..and the wasteful girl, she didnt order her food even though she paid for it..Anyway, we couldn't even finish the junkfood provided which cost us RM 8..haiz..
Given a big room and wireless microphone for both of us, we sang all the way from 1.30pm till about 6.30pm...hahaha..had a great time!!! Too bad, my voice sucks and it sounds like a malfunction radio..(crying too much, didnt sleep well and ate too much spicy food)..haha..Not to worry too much anyway, my partner in the "concert" , sang very well, hehe..but then, she laughed like a mad girl when my voice went out of tune while I was singing...maybe I should change my partner when I am holding a concert next time, fire this one..=)
Reach home around 9++ pm , was so tired..what happened next?? On the phone and ended up crying again...how I wish I am cold blooded or at least not so emotional..haiz..but what I want to say here is...I think is partially my fault because I was emotional, the weirdest part, I never did such thing before..(eg :shouted at my room mate and made her stunt, laughed then cried suddenly for no reason) There is an explanation for this, didn't really have a good sleep for few days...Therefore, there comes the mood swings but certain other "reasons" paid some part also.
Anyway, after the storm, now comes the rainbow...I think I rather stay with the rainbow rather than the storm, not sure for how long the rainbow will last..but hopefully..FOREVER..=)
P/s : Whatever happens, stand strong..Will be by your side my dear..Support any decision you make....=) I LOVE JANICE!! Hugs and kisses for you. Cheer..=o)
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Heartbroken
Since I was back from My Place yesterday, I never felt better. My memory flashed back to my past with you, starting from we knew each other till now..my heart felt so painful, never been such painful, especially when I accidentaly thought of the bad memories...Any how, any bad memories would never be as bad as when I read your chat log. That's the worst time of my life, I really feel very bitter..I kept on wondering, whether both of you had done anything else behind me??? I wanted to stop that feeling, suspicious on you as I felt bad for suspecting the one I love for having affair with another girl. I should have read all your chat logs, only then I can decide whether to trust you or not. Anyway, I dont think it is possible as you might had deleted everything. The more you don't want me to know more, the more I felt like knowing...I duno whether you understand my feeling but it sucks..trust me, you will never want to get it.
Do you know, I suddenly felt that I have no heart to continue our journey anymore..Only the worst part is stuck in my brain now. I tried to be strong, tried to forget, I couldn't. Wanted to find you but I don't want to as I thought of your conversation with her once I thought of you. Even though I seemed fine yesterday before I came back, I am actually not, I was crying in my heart all the while..I cant afford to cry anymore as my eyes really hurt. When you said "muacks" in msn yesterday, it makes me wonder, is this a real one or it is just one which you send to other girls..as it is normal for you rite?? haha..I never did this in my life, I din even say " I miss you" to other guys..not to mention "muacks and I luv u" .I know, you said this after breaking up with me in March..but is just a short period after we break up. How can you do this to me??? If I am really in your heart, dont you feel disgusting when you say " i luv u" to other gals? U always think of me, I am also wondering, you never think of other girls before?
I made the word "muacks and I luv you" so special to you but you polluted everything...It is meant to be sweet but it make me so bitter. Seriously, I really felt that I am no one to you. I am just a stupid idiot caring for someone I care, in the end, found out that everything is just a joke.
A BIG JOKE!! I am a big idiot, I make you such a special person, but what do I get?? IF I am special to you, you wouldn't have done that...a break for us as you are afraid that you might hurt me is a LAME excuse..You yourself not even sure that I am really the one for you...Enough is enough...I am really tired..T.T
Do you know, I suddenly felt that I have no heart to continue our journey anymore..Only the worst part is stuck in my brain now. I tried to be strong, tried to forget, I couldn't. Wanted to find you but I don't want to as I thought of your conversation with her once I thought of you. Even though I seemed fine yesterday before I came back, I am actually not, I was crying in my heart all the while..I cant afford to cry anymore as my eyes really hurt. When you said "muacks" in msn yesterday, it makes me wonder, is this a real one or it is just one which you send to other girls..as it is normal for you rite?? haha..I never did this in my life, I din even say " I miss you" to other guys..not to mention "muacks and I luv u" .I know, you said this after breaking up with me in March..but is just a short period after we break up. How can you do this to me??? If I am really in your heart, dont you feel disgusting when you say " i luv u" to other gals? U always think of me, I am also wondering, you never think of other girls before?
I made the word "muacks and I luv you" so special to you but you polluted everything...It is meant to be sweet but it make me so bitter. Seriously, I really felt that I am no one to you. I am just a stupid idiot caring for someone I care, in the end, found out that everything is just a joke.
A BIG JOKE!! I am a big idiot, I make you such a special person, but what do I get?? IF I am special to you, you wouldn't have done that...a break for us as you are afraid that you might hurt me is a LAME excuse..You yourself not even sure that I am really the one for you...Enough is enough...I am really tired..T.T
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