Unhappiness..

Life is getting terrible for me nowadays, in fact I felt that the one who will actually understand me did not really understand me. Am I someone who is actually not being grateful for what I have? Am I really someone who actually run for my dreams and neglect those around me. I have to admit I have negleted some of them, but not all. I hate the feeling where I am the cause of everything. Am I really the cause for making the other party lonely? It seems so...

I am not trying to compare my life to the others and I can consider myself of having a complete life. Having my family, friends and a caring boyfriend, I am far more happier than anyone else. Seriously, I don't mind living for others, to fulfill what they want and wish I will be. I don't really mind at the first place as long as I know that they are happy. But nowadays, I find it really hard for me to do so anymore. Sometimes, when you do something sincerely for the others, they did not appreciate you at all. I have now decided that I need my life and do what I want with it. It may be taking a long nap in an afternoon rather than going out with friends. If they want to say that I abondoned them for my boyfriend, let them be. I can't please anyone on earth as I have my own missions and my own hobby.

Since this semester starts, my life have been very busy. I cant even find time to spend with my friends, ex- housemates, room mates. Most of the time when I reach home after class I am tired and sleepy. In fact, I have not really chatted with friends online since this semester. My life is about studying right now. It is not totally no life as I get some time out when I go to church, praise and worship, chit chat with my dear or when I am having my meal to watch some series downloaded. It have been a long time since we last go dating, I have to admit that..not that I ma putting you aside or taken you for granted. I did not but I really need to study sometimes. Is not that I have not open my heart, but other than making you happy alone, I have to make sure I get my duties right as a daughter, student at the 1st place. being warned a few times after getting not a very good result, I am really afraid, but who knows other than God? He is the one who will know when I am crying alone, not even my room mate realises what I am feeling.

I just want a simple life which is to do well in my studies and then to do what I want. I don't really have opportunities yet to do what I want, cash is limited, studies supported by parents, they have their expectations on me too. It is not that I refuse to go dating with you. If you really look at the whole picture, I cant exactly remember the last time I went out with friends. Being exhausted, I prefer to be alone in my room, rest and gathering enough energy to begin my whatsoever revision or perhaps to sit alone with my laptop. Is is too much for me to ask for some private time? What more can I ask for then? My private time alone is being viewed as taking the other partner for granted. It is so sad after reading your blog that in fact I wished that I have never read them, It just killed my mood for studying and even eating even though I know that I am somehow in need of food. Drown yourself in studies? You have your obligation to do well in your studies and not to drunk yourself with them..You do know the consequences of not ding well. If I get 80 marks in my test and I ask for 90 marks, perhaps I am greedy but I did, I just wish to raise my marks above 70 for a comnfortable 1st class so that I do not have to work really hard for my OBU degree because even a C in the degree will give me an overall 1st class if I do well in my papers with average of 68 to 70. I am just planning ahead as I dislike writing and doing research and I do not want to waste much time on it. Therefore, I choose to do what I am comfortable with which is to score in exam. Everyone have their own expectations for themselves. I do have but I consider my expectation or target as achievable. Neither am I too obsessive with studies as I do reward myself with good food and some time off without books.
I am sorry if I made you feel lonely. At the end of the day, I know what I can do and what I cant do. The fact is, I need to work extra hard compared to others to get the same result. This has been the case all these while. I do believe in God. If not for him, I dont think I will be able to smile and crap with my friends. There are lots of stuff which I cant express, I can only feel it. I wont blame you if you cant understand me. I know you are suffering, you are sad. I am sad when I know you are sad..really am. Maybe I am being unreasonable in your eyes....that hurts me the most. If you still think that I am taking you for granted, I have no more to say. I refuse to say anything as well...tired of explaining. Not being fully recovered mentally and spiritually, another issue cuts my heart. Haha....what a life. If you really do know me, you know I am someone random which I may do something out of your expectations during unexpected time. This shows that you do not really understand me in a way as well. I have my way to spice up a relationship, perhaps you are just not patient enough or not able to take it. I love to give surprises but maybe you are just not willing to wait for the moment and gets mad at me before it comes. My mood swings, you don't totally understand the way for me to release it as well. Seriously, I am just too sad.. sometimes, you are like someone else, Jennifer = STUDY FREAK!!! Am I one? I am just determine, but I am NOT a STUDY FREAK! I want to experience life like anyone does but I do need an appropriate time for everything. What you seem true maynot be true, time will come when it is right. Random events, unplanned, impromtu happenings, surprises is how I make my life interesting. Talking about non-studies items I do not what to make it an stress item, therefore no planning, but somehow, misunderstandings just happen before you are able to do what is in your mind.

So far, I have not feel bored with my relationship nor I have ever experienced it before. Never judge me using example of the other's and assume that I will make the same statement. Being different is what I am sometimes. If I am harsh in this post, I apolpgize. Desperate to find a way to release what I am feeling and I guess this is the best method.

Sad..

Today, I am very sad. I have not been this sad due my results since a year ago long time.

All this while, I don't know why, but I realised I have to work extra hard compared to others to get what I want. This is always the case when it is about results. For SPM, I did not get A1 for my biology, I worked really hard yet I failed. During A levels, I scored a B for my Biology again. Perhaps I am just not that good in Biologi? Haha..MAYBE..

Fine, now I am doing ACCA, not science anymore, but I still can't score well even though I put a lot of hardwork and effort. Let's talk about Tax alone. the lecturer is really dedicated, she gives us a lot of homework and extra classes. I really appreciate her although I complaint a lot. She has high expectation for her students just like I have expectations for myself. I JUST WANT TO DO MY BEST..just that simple.

Nothing comes easily in life, I understand the fact. I did not ask for "free gift". I just want to see the fruit after so much of hardwork. Is really heartbroken to know that you are actually not that smart even though you are so hardworking. Tonnes of homework, but I make sure I do all before Tax class. Because of this particular subject, I sacrified most of my time. Other subjects I almost neglected them. It 's so disheartening when you only score 58% for a subject you study almost everyday. Perhaps some may think that I push myself too hard. I will answer no! I just have my own expectations ( Come on! I worked 10 times harder than I normally do). Perhaps some may say, it is just a test, not the finals but then it reflects how much I have in my brain. I am so *&^%$#@$%* ( not rough words, just don't know how to describe my feelings) . Some of my friends who did not really complete their homework , copying my homework sometimes is still able to get about my marks. What is my problem?? I just hope..hope that I will see the results after hardwork, I did not ask for free..

Such an unhappy day. T.T

MY MiRaCLE

Being borned in a warm family, having satisfying results, lots of friends, a loving and caring boyfriend..what else can I ask for in live? Having the concept that I will never be alone(USED TO have) , never being abandoned even when I have problems, definitely I am satisfied. When I sometimes fall because of certain minor problems, I will be complaining..other than complaining, still complaining..haha..then I will think of God..praying for a better life, but then where is He when I am well to do?? I have to admit I have put Him aside. Studying, sleeping..these two biggest temptation for me to overcome..

Talking about faith, I have been believing in Jesus for about more 2 years..but off and on I will be like in and out of faith, sounded like Katy Perry's Hot N Cold..AHA.. being advised several times, till I think he is tired of "lecturing" me..till today..when I watched the movie " Passion Of Christ" I finally felt what he has been feeling( partially I think, at least)..crying for about 2 hours, laughing, crying, laughing again. Sounded like an insane lady?? I am not, just that I felt the pain, the pain Jesus was carrying with Him, I felt the LOVE He has for his people. Why laugh? You might ask. Haha..because someone at the corner trying to make me stop crying, telling funny things...I felt like crying but certain things he mentioned make me feel like laughing..so off and on..laugh, cry, laugh...referring to David..=P ( Thinking of the circus...* cough cough* *giggling* )

Posting a blog like this, not trying to tell others I am holy, just to share some of my feelings..basically, to express the thoughts I have. When I actually look into his eyes after I watched the movie, I just felt like crying..realising maybe I have indeed taken him for granted sometimes, thinking that he is 100% loyal and will never leave me..but the most important is, I actually see the love in him, I felt his LOVE he has for God and the LOVE he has for me. I see him, I see Jesus, I see his love for me, changing me for good, and I see...how terrible was I and I can be if I dont change but never really tell him how I felt today. I couldn't tell him how much I thank him and how many things he made me realise today. When I felt like telling, it was stucked half way out of my mouth which turned into silence or rather turned into a normal conversation. Gazing into his eyes, I felt the passion, the care and the love. Being brought together as a couple, I have always taken it as a blessings, perhaps I have not treasured him enough, then I finally realised. Being with him, is how I felt God's love and mercy for me..perhaps, it was arranged for me to realise what I need to change. He as my guide in my journey of faith would definitely be an important role to play( just hope that I would not be a hopeless and stubborn learner).

Thinking of the problems I have been facing with my ex, my religious life before I met David, I do think a lot sometimes. I realised how "good" I can be in running away from problems..Images, music of my past playing in my mind, how I came to INTI, how active I was in club activities, how I had late nights at SS15, how I got with my ex, how it ended and how I started my current life in Sunway, having new friends, got to know David etc. Definitely, it was of a 360 degrees of change or perhaps more. Now, I no longer have to find excuses to go to church, no longer have to hide my relationship, no longer have to quarrel before going for praise and worship, everything was as how I wished it would be. I understand, a blessing can somehow turn into a curse if I don't treasure( not saying that before that I was never happy and don't like my life, just that they are different in ways). The fact is, not being too comfortable with current life and starts to put everything aside or everyone aside to focus on what I have and what I want. It's time to stop, reflect on everyday life on how I can improve myself into a better person and starts thanking and appreciating what I am blessed with.

BELIEVE, BELIEVE and I WILL DO IT..

LEARN NOT TO SAY BUT RATHER DOING IT..

TIME IS A FACTOR BUT NOT A LIMITING FACTOR..

LEARN TO APPRECIATE AND NOT TO COMPLAIN..
TRUST AND LOVE WITH MIND, BODY AND SOUL...

NEVER THINK OF WHAT I'VE GOT BUT RATHER WHAT IS YET TO COME..

NEVER THINK OF HOW SUCCESSFUL I AM BUT RATHER WHAT I'VE FAILED TO DO ..

LEARN, REFLECT BUT NEVER JUDGE ON PEOPLE...

More things to learn in future but let's get the ball rolling..=)

p/s: Thank you for everything, realised how fortunate of me to have a wonderful person like you. I will treasure. I love you. Forgive me for my stubborness. Together we will work"our own" miracle and wonders.

Sorry Mr Blog, have been ignoring you for a long time, please forgive me..Sob sob..T.T ..have been too busy lately..thought I could really blog today, but in series mood now-" Moonlight Resonance" ( OK, I am SLOWW..but at least my "Gem Of Life " is up to date)..Just dropping by to put down several notices for own reference!! ^^

Muahaha..counting the days..10th Dec last day of exam..today I have my 2nd last paper at 3 pm..CAN"T WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS!!!

-After 5pm, have to confirm with cousin for dinner..(thinking of how to "kill"my cousin..hehe)

-Tonight, "Gem of Life" waiting for me..haha...can't wait to watch!

-6th Dec - 10th Dec..study for my last paper!! ( Of course with "Gem Of Life" in between..)

-10th Dec-CRAZY DAY!! (Don't have a fix plan yet)

-11th Dec- Red Box?? Got to confirm with dear

-12th Dec- Another happy day..but no plans yet..=.=!!!

- 13th Dec- BACK TO KUANTAN!!

* Subsequent schedule, will be updated when Jennifer is in blogging mood

# Oh yea, I was having dinner with Constance in my dream before I receive my morning call. David Yuen's fault. Anyway, due to my kindness, I forgave him! ( Oh my gosh, my crapping skill....=.=)

Sorry dear friends if you find my blog a waste of time...perhaps, this is the consequences of addiction to HK series, my "LAME-nest" and crapping skill "improved"..just feel like..writing even without a real topic to write..haha >.<

Going to continue my series then get ready for my paper..wish me luck!! =)

The feel~~

Oh my GOsH!! Exam is getting nearer..less than 3 weeks...panic panic..but why am I here, if I know I don't have much time, why would I blog now..haha..perhaps I have the intention, but there is no action to study =P NO no..just THE FEEL..the feel to blog..maybe I am starting to get some special powers as well, "THE FEEL" ( didn't know that I can crap like this...hopefully I won't get 'screwed up' by dear David >> panic-ing)

Actually I had headache since morning..felt better after nap, maybe the weather is too hot. ( Dear, dear..when are you bringing me to Canada? I want to be the next Tinkerbell next year..muahaha..I want snow..>> referring to Janice!)

Precisely, I dont have anything important to share on my blog. If anyone reading this blog is quite busy, perhaps you can close this window now..haha..(=.=!!) Recently, I am actually quite happy. After many things happened around me recently ( mentally, referring to things I have to think carefully) , perhaps this is the sign whereby I have already really open my heart . Maybe I am already a different person compared to last time, but then at least I think I have change to a better person in terms of view and knowledge. (Thanks to my dear! =D)Today, I just got to know about a new hormone>> Pheromone..It is a kind of hormone which attracts the opposite sex. It will give you the comfortable feeling or attraction to the person who has sprayed some of this hormone on his/ her body.It might lure you into telling personal things about yourself or into certain " extreme activities", mostly used in clubs and work place.When I got to know about it, I feel that the world is getting more and more dangerous nowadays..no one can really be trusted based on human characters and the worst, creation of these kind of "product" . If anyone wants to know more, perhaps you can google on it. ( I have not done my research yet, can't tell much for now..=P) By the way, this hormone can be found in certain perfumes. I have to keep one point in mind forever which is not to trust anyone easily! To my friends as well, don't trust stranger easily..as you will never know, what is in their mind. THE WORLD IS REALLY DANGEROUS! ( Is it still safe for "small kid"like me? Should I move to other planet? haha)

I think I have to stop here( mood of blogging suddenly dissappear because of my law..worrying now..oh no!) Before I end my blog, I want to leave a few messages for my friends.

To :
My dear David->
You better take care!!! Better don't get sick before exam, it will cause you a lot of trouble. Drink more water and rest well. NO excuses!! Study hard for coming exam!=D

My Dear dear Janice->
Wish you all the best in your new relationship. A new beginning for you. Hope that you will find your own happiness. Remember to take care too! All the best in your studies. =)

The cute cute Elaine->
How's life recently? Hope to chat with you more often. Don't work too hard. remember to take care. ^^ Miss you~~

The one I am thinking of this second, SHin YU!!-> How are you recently?? Miss you la..Long time didn't shop together. You must be enjoying your holidays right now. Take care. =P

That's all the messages..all readers..have a nice day! (Thanks for being patient while reading this blog! Haha--again..syok sendiri =.=!!)

Untitle...

Phew, such a tiring but happening day for me..class till about 3pm (supposely till 6.3opm), went to pyramid AGAIN and met up with my cousin. UNexpectedly, he brought his friends, his first question, " Where is your boyfriend? "..I was stunt..the main reason? I did not expect him to bring his gang along..of course it did not strike my mind to ask my bf along..gosh..there must be some miscommunication somewhere..anyway, clicked quite well with his friends, Darrel, Michael, Na reen( they address her as darling..haha)..all within 18 to 20 years old..including me. I had KFC for dinner. I am suppose to fast!! But then..haiz..sorry dear(referring to lovely "Bambi" =P)..I felt so bad..( Jen Jen..you cant be trusted! Gosh)

Reached home about 12 am..I actually enjoyed the whole night messaging. Who??? Haha..my mum..(missing her already ..=( )..My mum, she is so cute, especially those questions she asked me today..funny!! ) Other than my loving mum, of course my dear. I felt so bad..made him waited for me the whole night as he wanted to make sure I arrived home safe, how I wish I can give him a nice big hug..haha..

Actually, during my outing today, I saw 3 guys, all of them wearing the same T-shirt. My ex had the shirt as well. It actually reminded me of him. It was a white T shirt with red and yellow strips. I think red for the collar and some red on the sleeves. I have no idea how is he now, just hope that everything is fine for him. Anyway, past remain as past..I am happy with my present life. =) Learn from my past, and never repeat my mistakes( referring to my bad attitudes, dear David knows me best! =P) Precisely, I have to admit I am a stubborn girl, ego, perhaps with some pride as well..bad bad. So many things happened, within these few months. 360 degrees change for me, my life, my thoughts..a lot..In fact, I actually told myself that I won't blog again..as when I used to blog, it is mostly about sad happenings, about my deep thoughts where I do not have chance to tell them directly to someone, I wrote everything here. When I think again, why should I make my life so pathetic. Somehow, I realised, my life remain as my life...it's my life!!! Why restrict myself from blogging because of one person? Right? Again, I log in, start writing nonsense and crapping again..( Gosh, wonder what would my dear think if he reads my blog, I think it's like a 5 year old kid blogging to him, he can write really good articles, proud of him! Muahaha, unlike me =( . However, I enjoy myself writing in this way, sort of talking to myself..scary?? XD

It's getting late, so many things in my mind I wanted to share, but I dont have time to really write.. maybe one day..one day..when? No idea..=p . Seriously, I really need to thank David for what I am today, he has been guiding me a lot in my life. He made a lot of changes to my life, taught me about life..Life is definitely not easy, but I am blessed to have him. Since the beginning, I gave him a lot of problems, small and big, but not even once he complained..not even once!! He was always by my side when I have problems, giving me warmth, care, love..almost unconditional love..I feel his care for me, every second..how I feel my world is full of happiness and care..^^ Thanks dear! I wish, I can make him happy each day, sharing his burdens like how he shares mine. Every little things in relationship matters..to my friends out there, don't neglect those small little things. It plays an important role as it shows how much you care, how much u love. * love*

Hmm, I have to stop here, still have to study. Will come back later in few days time to update my life! =) Wonder how is Xin Yan doing nowadays..Shin Yu, Yee Lin...miss them..Wish them all the best! Hugs for them as well. :)

p/s: Thank you dear, you have been part of my life! I treasure you! XOXO(Still thinking whether should I tell you that I updated my blog..=P)

A new Jen..

It has been a long time since my last post in my blog..I am now ready for the second phase. A new phase of my life. It's not going to be easy..but I am determine to go through all obtacles! Whatever stoubborness in me, I am going to change. Taking away my pride and ego..a new me! ^^ Go go Jennifer!! I MUST DO IT! Will blog later when I have the time. Haha..